Hanneke Answers All The Things

This is as requested by masterofbirds.  For Elfaroth’s benefit, of course.

• An enemy started being nice? –“I’d keep them at arm’s length and watch for their ulterior motive.  Chances are they’ll give it away eventually.  I’d never trust them, though.”
• They became permanently crippled? –“Occupational hazard, though I’m sure they have cybernetics for that sort of thing.  I’d get on with my life as best as I could.  I’ve got some good friends and a family looking out for me.  I think I’d be alright.  It’d be weird, but… yeah.”
• They became president/king? –“This would never happen.  I don’t ever want to be the actual person in charge of anything except my own destiny.  Someone else can do it.”
• They had to do a stand-up comedy routine? –“Public speaking?!  Are you out of your kriffing mind?  I’d just sit there and stare at the audience.  Then probably freak out and light them on fire.  I don’t like audiences.”
• Music they didn’t like was playing? –“There’s not much in the way of music that I don’t like, but if it was really terrible, I’d turn off the music player.”
• Monsters attacked? –“Monsters are always attacking and my solution is to shoot them.  Always shoot them.”
• A stranger kissed them? –“I’d clean their clock.  Nobody touches me unless I let them, period.  Nobody.”
• A stranger challenged them to a fight? –“Depends on who the stranger is.  If they’re a blowhard, I’d just ignore it.  If it was someone of importance, or someone who looks like they could actually, you know, fight, I’d take them up on it, and may the best person win.”
• Their house was on fire? –“Get out and contact the fire brigade.  If it was just a little fire I could put out on my own, I’d just grab a fire suppression system and take care of it myself.  Would probably run around in circles screaming a bit once everything was taken care of, though.”
• They heard a nearby scream? –“Hell is that noise?  I better go check it out.”
• They saw somebody getting mugged? –“I’m no hero, but I’d probably intervene.  Mostly because the person getting mugged might toss me half the contents of their wallet in gratitude.  I do like credits.”
•        They found a wallet on the ground and nobody was looking? –“I’d return it.  After taking all of the legal tender within.”
• A free game of Laser Tag was offered to them? –“Laser Tag?  That sounds fun.  When do we go?  I’m going to win.  I have very good aim.  Very, very good aim.”
•  They were given the choice between being loved and being respected? – “The work I do is never respected, really.  I suppose in that case, I’d rather be loved.  Can’t be anything wrong with having a reason to do all of this beyond the payoff, right?”
•  Somebody started cosplaying as them in-universe? –“I’d probably take a holo with them.  Chances are they’re too short and skinny to pull it off, but still.”
• They woke up and the first thing they saw was a spider on their pillow next to them? – [punches the palm of one hand, grimacing] “I don’t especially like creepy-crawly things.  I hope that the spider’s not on anyone’s face or else there might be broken noses.” 
• A baby in a basket was placed at their doorstep? –“I’d look after him for as long as it took a reputable orphanage to come and pick him up.  And hope to hell he’s not Force-sensitive.  That never ends well.  Unless you’re me, but I know I’m an exception to the usual way of things. Kids right now is… it’s just not happening.”
• Their house was foreclosed? –“I’d wonder what the hell happened to my mother.  She’s the epitome of fiscally responsible.  Then I’d help sort things out.  Bounties are good for that.”
• They woke up one morning with a permanently scarred face? –“I’m vain, but I’m not that vain.  I’d just get on with it after everything healed.  And hope to hell that it wouldn’t discourage certain persons.  If you know what I mean.  I keep thinking someone’s going to kill me if I actually come out and say anyth – yeah, I’d be alright with scars.”
•  They didn’t get a joke that everybody else thought was funny? –“I’d laugh anyway.  Nobody needs to know.”
• They had to choose one of Aristotle’s five senses to lose forever? –“Could go without tasting things, I think.  I need all of my other senses.”
• They read Fifty Shades of Grey? (Ugh) –“I try to forget that ever happened, and I swear I’m not like that at all.  Though screwing against things that aren’t beds is fun.  I’ll admit that much.  But I’d never be that much of a simpering doormat.”
• They ran out of clean clothes? –“I’d do laundry and stay in all day.  Probably naked.  Call on me at your own risk.  Or reward, I guess, depending on who you are.  But I’d have to stop whatever we end up doing to switch the laundry around.  I can’t abide by dirty clothes.”
•  An animal started following them around? –“I’d probably take it on as a pet.  I have a soft spot for cute and helpless things.”
• They had to kill to eat? –“Meat is murder.  Tasty, tasty murder.”
• They were about to die? –“I’d just hope I did something good for someone before I bought it, I guess.  Death isn’t something I dwell on.”
• They saw a hitchhiker? –“Most cases, I’d drive right on by.  If it’s someone I recognize, I might pick them up, depending on how well I liked them.”
• They had to run a marathon? –“I only run when chased.  There better be a damn good reason as to why I’d be running a marathon.”
•  Strangers started complimenting them on their looks? –“People do that anyway.  I just smile, nod, and say thank you.”
• A good idea for a book came to them? –“I’d write the idea down somewhere, and then get to work on the actual book when I had some time to myself.  A break is a rare thing these days, and there are so many more things I’d rather be doing than writing.”
• They saw a mouse in the place they lived? –“Chances are I’d attempt to take it on as a pet, or, feed it some cheese and scoop it up to put it back outdoors where it belongs.”
•  They had an opportunity to take a vacation into space? –“That’s not an opportunity.  It’s life.  And it’s pretty awesome.  Space is wonderful.  I could look at the stars all day.”